Pair of Parodies
by Mona
Summary: A couple of song parodies for two of the shows villains: Dr. Maelstrom and Lee Jordan.


"Pair of Parodies" by Mona  
  
Disclaimer: "The World's Greatest Criminal Mind" and "Gaston" are copyright Disney. The characters from WOE are copyright DIC Enterprises. These parodies are not meant to offend the fanfemmes of these two villains, nor irritate Disney purists.  
  
_Lee's Song _  
(Lee is gazing adoringly at his reflection in a pond. Zack, Ivy, and Carmen stand by)  
  
Ivy: Gosh, it pains me to see Lee  
So absorbed in his look  
He's Narcissus reincarnated  
I'd like to shove him in that brook  
He's everybody's least favorite guy.   
I am disgusted and annoyed by him  
And it's not hard to see why  
  
Zack: No one's...  
Carmen: Needed a good butt kick like Lee  
Zack: Slick as Lee  
Ivy: No one's skull is incredibly thick like Lee's.  
  
Carmen: For there's no one half as unmanly  
Cowardly as Ares and whatnot  
You can ask Tom, Dick, or Stanley  
And they'll tell you what they hate...Lee's mug shot!   
No one's been like Lee.   
A jailed crook like Lee.  
No one's failed a blackmail scheme like Lee  
  
Lee:(oblivious to their insults) Why, as a kidnapper, I'm intimidating!   
  
All three: My, what a creep, that Lee!  
Give 5 boos  
Give 1 hiss  
Zack: Lee is the worst, and his plans are all drips!  
  
Ivy: No one blights like Lee  
Douses light like Lee  
In a war, no one smites like Lee  
  
Carmen: For there's no one as immature and vain  
Zack: He's got bad qualities to spare.   
Lee: I'm the sun in the pouring rain,   
and I've got enough courage to take a dare!  
  
Ivy: No one...whines like Lee.  
Carmen: Collects fines like Lee.  
Zack: In a prison eating contest, one dines like Lee.  
All three: Zero points for Lee!  
  
Lee: (still oblivious) When I was a sleuth, I solved four years' worth of cases to help my track record get large  
And now that I'm a thief, and better than Carmen  
I'm in charge!  
  
All three: OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT!  
  
Zack: No one uproots like Lee  
Carmen: No one's points are moot like Lee's  
Ivy: Deserves the boot like Lee!   
  
All three: My, what a creep, that Lee! _  
  
  
The World's Greatest Criminal Mind_  
  
Maelstrom:  
From the brain that brought you   
The Titanic caper,   
The head that made headlines in every newspaper   
And wonderous things like  
The Billiards Championship of Champagne,  
that cunning display that made Carmen sob in vain  
Now comes the real Tour de Force,   
Sneaky and wicked, of course!   
My earlier crimes were fine for their times,  
But since '85, I'm at it again.   
And an even darker plan's been forming  
Here in my great criminal brain!   
  
Henchmen:   
Even meaner, you mean it  
Worse than the Harbor Patrol members you drowned  
Oh, Maelstrom  
Oh, Maelstrom  
The rest fall behind  
To Maelstrom,  
To Maelstrom  
The world's greatest criminal mind!   
  
Maelstrom:  
Thank you.   
But it hasn't all been champagne and roses  
I've had adversity and bloody noses...  
Thanks to that miserable Acme sleuth...Carmen Sandiego!  
(Cut to a photo of Carmen riddled with darts)   
For years, that insufferable teenage brat  
has interfered with my plans.   
I haven't had a moment's piece of heart. *fake sob*   
  
Henchmen: Awwww...  
Bilge:(sniffles)  
  
Maelstrom:   
But all that's in the past.   
This time, not even Carmen will stand in my way.  
My retribution will make her fall apart!  
  
Henchman 1:   
Oh, Maelstrom.   
Oh, Maelstrom.   
  
Henchman 2: You're tops, and it's cool!  
  
Bilge: To Maelstrom,   
To Maelstrom  
  
Henchman 3: To Ol' Whirlpool.   
  
(All gasp. Music stops)   
  
Maelstrom: WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!   
  
Henchman 1: He didn't mean it, Doctor.   
  
Henchman 2: It was just a slip of the tongue!  
  
Maelstrom: I HATE BEING CALLED "OL' WHIRLPOOL"!   
  
Henchman 3: (screams and runs away)   
  
Maelstrom: Now, as you were all singing...  
  
Henchmen:   
Even louder!  
We'll shout it!   
We can't doubt what we know you can do!   
You're the worst of the worst!   
And Zack and Ivy will know it's true  
Oh, Maelstrom  
Oh, Maelstrom  
You're one of a kind  
To Maelstrom,  
To Maelstrom!  
The World's Greatest Criminal Mind... 


End file.
